Of Poetry – Tired

Just to be clear, I have never written poetry in my life! LOL!! I do not even remember from literature class the rules of writing poetry, but I am one of those people who will write notes on my phone when i just feel like writing and I have no pen or computer near me. So the other day as I was cleaning my phone and deleting some old notes, I found this note, originally penned on August 16th 2021. I wrote this note on a day I was in a lot of pain, emotional pain, and I felt like I was being cut up inside. I had had a couple of days where some people in my life just made me, or it felt like to me, made me feel less than valuable, like I was disposable really, and I was hurting and reeling. I was about 10 months into my sobriety and if there was a day in my sobriety that I almost said “Fuck it all”, this day came very close but thank God I did not fall.

Two things struck me about this note, the sheer raw pain I was in and can still feel when I read these words, but the other thing is about a week after I wrote this, I shared it with one of the people who had hurt me and it was my way of communicating or articulating how I felt and you know what the reaction was? They laughed. They laughed and told me to stop being dramatic.

Here goes:

I’m tired of being tired

I’m tired of opening my heart and getting it trampled on over and over again

I’m tired of trusting and getting betrayed

I’m tired of giving my all and getting nothing back

I’m tired, I’m just so tired

Im tired of making the wrong choices in men

Im tired of having a traumatic past

Im tired of fighting just to keep my head above water

I’m tired of always coming last to be considered by my so-called friends

I’m tired of being good and kind, maybe being a bitch is the way to go