As I mark 15 years since my mum’s passing this month, I have found myself engrossed in thoughts concerning grief and the journey that comes with it. 15 years feels like a long time yet as I think of my mum, it still feels fresh. Grief is one of those emotions that has no rhyme or reason, it comes and goes as it pleases, often leaving me feeling destabilized and drained. But this year, I have decided to try and be a bit more intentional in honoring the woman who not only gave me life but in a lot of ways gave up her own so I, and my brother could have ours. In this spirit I decided that to mark 15 years since her passing, I will list 15 things that made my mother so uniquely her:
- Beautiful singer – My mother had a wonderfully melodious voice and could carry a tune on any day. Hearing her sing as she did stuff around the house was always such a treat.
- Fashion designer – She had this skill where she would see and outfit somewhere or on someone, come home, draw it on a piece of paper and tweak a couple of things to make it her own then have a tailor do it for her and it always turned out amazing. She was a fashionista before it was a thing and with nothing more than a pencil and paper.
- Signature smile – Her smile brightened up anyone’s day and she gave it freely to everyone. I have heard so many people tell me how walking into her office and being met with that smile made their day when they were feeling down. It’s one of the reasons I smile often as well, you never know who needs it at that precise moment.
- Natural beauty – While I have navigated the world of make-up and numerous beauty products, my mother kept is so simple. It was soap and water, followed by a face cream and baby powder with a touch of red lipstick, that was it and boy did she still look amazing every single day. Even as she battled cancer, she was still elegantly beautiful.
- Natural affinity for business – My momma started 8 businesses that I can think of. She knew it was never enough to only depend on one pay check and I believe that is one of the reasons we never lacked as she had supplementary income coming from different avenues. While we were not rich, we certainly never lacked and I will forever be grateful for that.
- Hardest working person I know – Until the cancer hit, my mother had gone years without taking any sick days or time off. She worked hard and diligently with the same organization for over two decades. She was respected and loved by her peers and bosses alike. My work ethic, that is all her.
- Fearless Advocate – Let me tell you, if something was not right or fair, you can bet she would have spoken up about it. She stood up for not just us but for strangers as well when she could. She believed that we should always try to do what is right, no matter where we are. Often, I wish I had half her courage.
- Photogenic – She loved pictures, everywhere we went, we took pictures and this is way back when it was old school photography of finding a camera man at the event, taking pictures and waiting for them to go develop it and bring it back. I did not like it and always tried to dodge it, still do if I’m honest but she always just looked so good in pictures
- Kitchen Maestro – Nothing beat our weekend breakfast spreads. Mum was a big fan of eating as a family and I remember after she passed one of the hardest bits was not being able to sit and eat as a family and that was hard for us. She would cook up a storm and that breakfast as an example was a healthy spread that we had every Saturday and Sunday that we all enjoyed while we caught up with each other’s lives…… I miss those so much. And on our birthdays, special meals and all, it’s never been the same without her….
- Wisdom Keeper – My momma was a wise woman, beyond her age at that time. She could literally smell trouble before it happened, especially for her children LOL! She could tell when our “friends” were no good for us, or when we were about to make some wrong choices. As we grew older, I respected that she didn’t dictate what we should do, she would let us know that she thought it was a bad idea and then let it be. After we still didn’t listen and got hurt a few times, we learnt to better listen. That is a powerful lesson for me, letting children, as they grow older, make their own mistakes and provide a safe space for them to get back to when they do figure it out.
- Kindness and Respect Advocate – She taught me to be kind and respectful everyone, no matter who they were. She used to say that the office cleaner can be the CEO tomorrow and the CEO may be a street sweeper tomorrow, only God truly knows our paths. Be good, do good and go on your way. How other people are like is their problem, how you are like is yours. That piece of wisdom has taken me many places in both my personal and professional life. It’s not always positive but as she says, if people are unkind and disrespectful, that’s on them, I will do my part and keep it moving.
- Health Icon – Other than the cancer that took her life, my mother was healthy for much of her life. She ate healthy, made sure her family at healthy as well. I can count the number of times my mum fell sick or took sick leave from work. She was never hospitalized as far as I can remember and small issues like colds, flu and other small ailments never got her down for long. She was the mistress of immunity boosting concoctions for the family which helped us avoid a lot of childhood illnesses. Being on a sober journey has reminded me of this as I strive to make healthy food choices.
- Faith Warrior – I believe that the reason I am still around is because of that woman’s prayers. My momma had faith and if I can have even a fraction of it, I can go far for sure. My life and that of my brother are living testimonies to her faith in God. She lived out her faith every day, in everything she did and raised us to do the same.
- Family Oriented – Family was everything to my mother. Ours first then her extended family. She sacrificed everything for us and them. She made sure everyone was provided for before she even took care of herself. I will always love, respect and honour that sacrifice. Unfortunately, the unintended consequence of her sacrifice was extended family that never quite understood what it cost her to be everything for them. And so, I have learnt, rather slowly, that taking care of myself is not selfish, its self-care. I try to be there for others, as much as I can be without taking away from being there for myself. I simply cannot care for others or pour into others when I have nothing in myself.
- Education Champion – This one is especially poignant as I prepare to graduate from university next week, she was an education advocate. My mother never had a chance to go to university and one of her biggest dreams was that both her children graduate from university. She championed and ensured that no matter what financial challenges we faced, we never missed a day of school. Fees were always paid, we always looked neat and tidy and she expected excellence on the school front from us, no negotiations allowed. I know it hurt her hurt that after she died, I had to pause my education but must have been so proud when my brother graduated. Now here I am, 15 years later, about to graduate as well and I know she is smiling on me from heaven.
Momma, I miss you every day and as I prepare to graduate, I know you are smiling down on me. Thank you for being the most amazing mother anyone could have ever asked for. Thank you inspiring us, pushing us and teaching us in the way we should go and as we have grown, we have not departed from it.
The Musings of a Wandering Mind 