The suicide of a world-famous dancer, Twitch, a man who by all accounts is described as happy, kind, loving and amazingly talented has us all talking about mental health and suicide again. About how we never know what someone is going through and being kind to everyone. I pray for his family and all who knew him. Having been in that dark place many times, my offer always stands for anyone who needs to talk, know that you are never alone, I will stand in the gap for you if you ever need it.
But I want to talk about something related to the “how did we not know question”. To be clear, not is his case particularly as I did not personally know him but in terms of those closer to us in our lives, because so many of us have lost dear people in our lives to suicide. In my last post, I spoke of being vulnerable and how I have felt so confused lately. An acquaintance reached out to me and with all good intention said “You are too strong a woman to let small things get you down.” This person had no concept of what I was going through and for him to assume it was a small thing was at the very least, minimizing my experience at that time. Now most of us say such things with good intentions hoping to lift someone up but we do not realize a couple of things.
One, being vulnerable is hard for most people and so when they are able to be vulnerable, and believe me it takes a lot for some people to allow themselves to be, take a moment before you give well-meaning advice like this. This is because the result is you make the person feel bad for feeling what they are feeling. And that drives them deeper in themselves and they avoid talking about it because after all, ‘they are stronger than that’. This is when people turn to suicide, drugs, alcohol and other addictive habits to numb what they are feeling because guess what, they are still feeling what they are feeling and that well intentioned comment has done more harm than good. Other well-intentioned comments include, how can you feel that way, look around you, you have everything, imagine others who have nothing, how are they supposed to feel? You should be more grateful and stop complaining, I wish I had what you had. Or what many people end up doing is making it a time to then tell the person how they too are suffering. Again, none of these is inherently bad but if someone you care about, who is always strong comes and is vulnerable, just be there. Be a friend, no judgements, no comparisons, just be. If they are a hugger, hug them, and sit quietly beside them for a while, sometimes words are not necessary. If you must use words and are not sure what to say, just ask them, “what I can I do to help.” That one question can make a world of difference. A lot of times, the fact that we cannot do to anything directly to help that person that we deeply care about makes us feel helpless and we then get defensive and unconsciously, needing to absolve ourselves, start making them feel bad for feeling whatever they are feeling. Often, we see fleeting glimpses of what others are going through but we are so unaware that we cause more harm that we intend to when all we truly want to do is help.
Two, a part of being human is having low moments. We have become such a culture of burying our heads in the sand that we are have lost our ability to deal with, for ourselves and for others, vulnerability, uncertainty and fear. Yet we all go through it at some point of our lives. Some people just have better coping skills than others. And others just hide it better than others, for a while at least. The assumption that someone with money or in a marriage or a parent has less or more stress than someone poor, single or childless is baseless. We all have our own stories, our own challenges, our own ups and downs every. single. day. Being kind, compassionate and having some empathy should also be part of life’s experiences, in how we deal with others and even more importantly how we deal with ourselves. Let us look out for each other more, be more intentional in our relationships and associations. Let us also be more intentional on social media, way too often some comments are pointlessly hurtful and harmful to people we do not know and make way too many assumptions about. Forgetting that they too, just like you and I, are only human.
I hope today and as we go into this Christmas season, we remember to be exactly that; kind, compassionate and empathetic with everyone around us because holiday seasons are hard for so many people, for so many different reasons. And when someone lets themselves be vulnerable with us, let us take a moment and think through what we say next, lets us be more intentional so we can be a safe space, even temporarily for someone who may need it way more than you can ever imagine. It may just save their lives.
And most of all, take care of yourself first.
Happy Holidays!
The Musings of a Wandering Mind 