Of leaning in

Most things in my life, I have gone at it alone. For as long as I can remember, I have figured it out by God’s Grace and just me trudging through it. It wasn’t that there was no help or community around me, I just didn’t know how to ask for help or dare to depend on anyone else because I did not want to seem vulnerable but also, I didn’t want to get hurt. Irony is the very few people I dared let in ended up being the ones who hurt me the most. But, as the line from Mary Oliver’s poem goes “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” 

One of my dearest friends, Dr. J, when we initially met, once told me “Wendy, you have a part of you that’s locked away that you do not let people into and while it may seem good and safe for you, you are denying yourself so many authentic relationships because of that.” Anyway, as I dealt with sobriety, I also begun opening up my world, letting people into my life, truly showing up in every version of me without hiding. It’s been hard because letting ourselves be vulnerable is always hard, it means letting people see you, flaws and all. It means being willing to open yourself up to being hurt or being judged or both, but it also means opening yourself up to being loved, valued and appreciated by those who care about you but most importantly, seeing yourself as worthy of love, worthy of being valued and worthy of good things.

This month of August has been a struggle on almost every front. I have felt physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually drained. I began the month feeling that way and I wrote a blog about letting go and letting God, but to be honest, I spent the rest of the month waddling through it, trying to figure out what I was feeling and why. And as it is with this sort of things, I still have no answer. More than once this month of August, I have wanted a drink so bad I could taste it.

Yet, something even more valuable became very clear as I dealt with this heaviness and unease. I am LOVED! By God, yes. But I am so loved by the people around me. My tribe, my community, my people. Every single day, I had multiple people check in on me, folks going through their own stuff, but just checking in on me, seeing how I am doing. I was afraid of verbalizing my temptation to drink because I was afraid to be judged, but the first person I told it to, called me back in minutes and asked “What can I do to help?”. There was no judgement, no criticism, just an offer to help. And I realized at that moment that my fear was holding me back from getting the support I needed and so I leaned in, on my friends, in the people in my life who hold me together. And when I did that, my heart is full, the uncertainty is still there but my heart is SO full!

I am grateful for my tribe. I will respect their privacy and not write all their names here but I hope they each know how much I appreciate each and every one of them. And as September begins, I still have no sure answers but one thing I know, I am loved, I am appreciated and all I have to do is lean in.

I hope you too, have a tribe around you, that you can lean on. You are NOT alone! Lean in to those who care about you and for you and let them help you carry your load.