Of Bougie Boundaries

The definition of bougie, according to the Urban Dictionary is ‘aspiring to be a higher class than one is.’ It is very rarely offered as a compliment; it is often offered as a back-handed comment which essentially is meant to bring the person receiving it down a notch or two. Anyway, I think it is important to keep this in mind as I explore an important topic; Boundaries. More from a mental health perspective than anything else. And for clarity; Boundaries are defined rules or limits that someone establishes to protect their security and wellbeing around others

I have spent a good chunk of my life with no boundaries in this sense, I was and, in some ways, still am, a people pleaser. I used to think that as long as the people around me and those I care about are happy, so am I. It was ingrained in me as I grew up by the different experiences I had. “Don’t rock the boat and there will be no conflict and that’s a good thing” was almost a constant message to me growing up. I am conflict averse and for the longest time I would avoid conflict in every way possible. Problem with that of course, is that not all conflict is bad, but more importantly, I kept continually sacrificing my well-being, sense of security and ability to make good decisions at the altar of ‘keeping the peace.’ My relationships were almost always focused in keeping the other person happy, almost always to my detriment. Trust me when I say, very few people have a problem with you trying to keep them happy even if they can see that it is not doing you any good. And that, ladies and gentlemen is how I found myself in unhealthy, emotionally and in some cases, financially abusive relationships at almost every turn. With the journey to free myself from addiction as well as heal my inner child, I am slowly learning the importance of healthy boundaries but that has seemingly given rise to some interesting situations to say the least.

Couple of weeks ago, someone who claimed to care about me and want to be an important part of my life, invited me out to dinner at a family member’s house (his family, not mine). The event was rather late in the evening and just after the meal, he put me in a situation I was not comfortable with. He made a declaration of something ‘we’ were going to do. He did this with no consultation or heads up to me, even though we had spoken multiple times during the day about this dinner. And while I did not immediately contradict him, I did give him a side eye and then pulled him aside and said no. Let us just say the no was not what he wanted to hear. His response was I was ungrateful of the efforts he had made (for the record, there was no effort, we were invited, we went, hosts did all the work) and that he would make no further efforts for me (I had known him all of three weeks at the time). He further went on to tell me that “every once in a while, I should get off the VIP side of life and come down and be with ordinary folk.” Now you see why I gave you that definition of bougie. All this because I made it clear that I was uncomfortable with a situation he had put me in. He was not done, the last straw was that my thinking was ‘unAfrican’, that I was thinking more like an ‘occidental’ woman. A westerner, basically.  

Now there is so much to unpack here and I will, in other posts, including what is the role of an African woman? It seems like “take what you are given and be grateful for it, no matter how you actually feel about it” is the message constantly repeated to women, especially in Africa. Like it is a bad thing to aspire to more. But that is a deeper discussion for another day.  

All my life I thought being nice and kind was putting other people’s needs before my own, no matter what the personal cost. I am now learning that for my own well-being and peace of mind, healthy boundaries are vital or else I will keep ‘burning myself to keep others warm’ and after a while, I will be nothing but a pile of ash while they go on with their lives. We can all be nice, kind and gracious, and still have boundaries to let others know how to treat us. Those who want to be in our lives, truly, will respect those boundaries. Those who cannot understand or respect those boundaries, respectfully, need to keep it moving all the way out of our lives.

So, if having boundaries and being able to communicate those makes me bougie, then so be it. I will keep my bougie boundaries and encourage others, to define and communicate their boundaries in order to have healthy relationships that are fulfilling for all parties. If that is what they want.

Because after all, we get one shot at this life, it’s up to us, to make it count, the best way we can.