As an African woman who has been immensely blessed to travel around the world just a bit, one of the things that I have become keenly aware of is how people are treated when they go to get visas. As a holder of certain passports, one needs a visa to travel to certain countries, those are the rules. I am often struck at the differences between how African Embassies are set up, with comfortable sitting areas, often indoors with water and other facilities nearby. This in contrast to Non-African Embassies, which has applicants standing outside, in the scorching sun or rain, in long lines and security guards that will bite your head off if you look at them wrong. For many, this is often the end of the line for many a dream of travelling out of their country. Now the systems are problematic but that is a conversation for another day….. I was thinking about something completely different the other day and that is how, in many ways and way too many times, there is no difference between how those non-African embassies treat me and how I treat myself.
I am one of those people who is always giving of myself, I will go an extra mile for people and care about and often for people I have just met. Helping out comes so naturally to me. I will readily provide a shoulder for others to lean on and encourage those around me whenever I am able to. I behave like a very friendly African embassy. Give water to those who thirst, connect people to others who may need their services, buy things I do not need if it means promoting someone’s business. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, we lift each other up and that is an important part of life.
The challenge comes when it comes to dealing with me. I behave like a mean non-African Embassy. I am super critical of myself and will punish myself for perceived failures. I will push myself way past my exhaustion point to be there for others, to be there for people even when it costs me my peace of mind or just drains the little energy I have left. I will kill my own dreams by talking myself out of them before anyone else can. All too willing to love others who have made it clear through their actions, have no love for me while barely giving any thought to the love I need to give myself……
And while being there for others comes naturally and feels good for me, if it takes more to give than I can actually afford (and not just moneywise), maybe it’s time to reevaluate. Why do I write this? Because I wonder how many of you are like me…. How many of you are so willing to give to others but never really “give” to ourselves? Not giving ourselves a break, not giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt, not leaning on those around us who are willing to be there for us, not praying for ourselves because we think it is selfish, not truly love ourselves while over-pouring our love into others?
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was, “Whatever you are going through, if your best friend was the one going through it, what would you tell them?” and I realized I would be infinitely kinder not just to my best friend but to any stranger going through the same situation. Why then would I be so mean to myself? Why would I beat myself up if I wouldn’t even consider doing it to anyone else?
So here is my question this week? What kind of embassy are you to yourself? And what kind should you start being?
The Musings of a Wandering Mind 