What I did not realize back then as a young child is that, at that time, divorce was still heavily frowned upon and my mum truly did not want her children to grow up without a father. And because of that she persevered it all. I know I spent a lot of those years being very resentful of my dad but I also recall how my mum insisted that he was our father and that we should respect him and so I did, grudgingly, but I did.
The violence went on for most of my childhood until I hit my teenage years and one day, she had had enough and called the cops on him; he never physically beat her again. But I realize now that the psychological damage that happened to us, the kids went way deeper than any of them imagined. And has left scars that lasted longer than even I was aware of for a very long time.
Some of those scars meant I was always looking for validation in the wrong places, I was looking for a love with no violence, but in the process, my radar was only alert to physical violence. I did not consider emotional, financial or psychological violence because I had no grasp of it. As a result, I made many bad choices seeing life from that lens and those choices caused even more pain and scarring. I was involved in a number of relationships that were emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive and was not even aware of it until way down the line. And even then, I continued to try and make it work, why? Because you don’t just quit on people you say you love or so I thought. By the time I did get the strength to walk away, I was totally spent, with nothing else to give. And I have repeated this cycle a few too many times.
Another is the notion of giving of myself. I did not and still struggle with the notion of self-care. Where is the line between self-care and selfishness? I have found myself giving of myself completely to those in my life; family, friends, loved ones, lovers and so on. I would move the earth, if I could, if someone I loved asked me to or needed me to. And over and over it has only led to more hurt. Why? Because, I always give at some cost to myself. Too often I lose myself as I give to others. Just like my mom, I give and give and give and never really draw a line. Thing is, when others put themselves first and take care of themselves and their shit, (often with me getting caught in the crossfire), I can’t quite compute it in my head. How can they put themselves first at all times, especially when they are going through something and I need them at the same time? See, I would drop what I was doing, put on hold whatever I was going through to be there for them, even if it was at great personal cost, how can they not do the same for me? While some people are just selfish, I realize that sometimes, most people are taking care of themselves and that it is okay if they cannot drop what they are doing or put whatever they are dealing with on hold for me and that it is okay for me to do it too. I am learning that I cannot pour from an empty place, I need to refill and recharge me before I can healthily pour out to others and that sacrificing myself for others is not about nobility or goodness, it’s about needing to feel needed, which is something I gotta figure out on my own if I am ever to aspire to having healthy relationships of any kind.
The other notion I fight with is that of settling. My mom could have done better than my dad, I might be biased but I feel that had she ventured out on her own, she would have shone so bright. There were a lot of other factors of course and I say this as an adult many years later but I feel she settled with the devil she knew, too afraid of the angel she didn’t. And I have found myself in the same pattern, taking what is given and settling for it, too afraid of dreaming and reaching for higher because how dare I. How dare I not be grateful? How dare I want more? What if this person can’t give more? But I love them so I will take what they give me because it’s all they can. I am slowly learning that it is on me to teach people how to treat me, and that, has to begin with me treating myself with love, kindness, consideration, generosity and forgiveness. Qualities I find I am often willing to grant others but rarely ever to myself.
As a consequence of what was going on at home, I saw and learnt the need to ‘hide the dirty linen’. We never spoke of what was going on in public and though the entire estate knew what was happening, I don’t recall anyone actually ever calling my dad out on it. My mom would wake up the next morning, get dressed, look all sharp, get to work and get things done and it would just be another day. As such, there was no support system, it was always us figuring out us and it was considered shameful or weak to ask for help. I find often I am struggling with something and while I have managed so far, many of my friends ask why I didn’t tell them, why I choose to fight my own battles all alone. Between this and the self-care notion above, it is a balance I am only now learning to strike in my relationships.
Any advice I would give? I would say it is important to teach children the difference between self-care and selfishness. Cultivate the practices in them early to take time to care for themselves, internally and externally. The importance of realizing self-care sometimes means making hard decisions for yourself today so you can be a healthier, better version of you tomorrow. That being true to the best form of you is the best gift you can ever give to yourself.
I would also say teach children early that abuse of any kind in any relationship is unacceptable. Whether a its for financial, psychological, emotional or any other reasons, it is important to realize that it only continues to perpetuate the cycle. The children who grow up in those environments will grow up either to be victims or perpetrators, rarely ever anything else, and the scars last long long into their futures.
Lastly, no man is an island and yes, I know how cliché that sounds. We all need each other, pick your friends wisely (coz if you don’t, that has its own consequences), but if you have a few people you can truly call friends, you need not battle alone. It takes more out of you going at it alone than if you do with people who genuinely care for you.
Okay, that was a heavy one………..
The Musings of a Wandering Mind 