I have to admit, I have been reluctant to write these last couple of weeks and the reason is I have been feeling disillusioned, lost, uncertain, adrift….. whatever word works….. that is how I have been feeling. Like I have no sense of purpose or meaning, no idea which way is forward or back and I mean this for all aspects of my life; work, personal, spiritual and psychological.
The creation of this blog for me was a dream come true, a way to channel my thoughts, fears, motivators and everything else in this head of mine into something that makes sense. I am beginning to realize it’s not just the inspirational or the aspirational that belong in this blog, that in order for me to be authentic and honest with myself, I have to write about my struggles as well. And boy have I been struggling these last few weeks, internally of course. On the outside, I look like I got it all together, I don’t know any other way to be but the internal turmoil, I am not sure I can adequately describe it.
And as I find myself talking to other people, it is becoming clear that I am not alone. If COVID has taught many of us something, it is that we have very little control over our lives and how much we really do need each other to be strong. Many people have lost loved ones, lost jobs and have no way to earn a living, some have gotten sick and are maneuvering the long-term effects, learning was and continues to be disrupted, the younger generation is trying to navigate a world that is strange even to the older generation. And amidst all this, the rest of life continues; children are being born, others are getting married and divorced, other health issues like cancer and other diseases continue to ravage lives.
My personal struggles right now include trying to figure out my life, I feel like I should be at a certain place by now, which I am not. I want so much more with my life but I am so afraid of not knowing that I am literally paralyzed by fear. I am afraid of failing and of succeeding in equal measure, I am uncertain of what direction to go because it feels, to me at least, every direction I try to take I get burnt and it feels exhausting. In the last few weeks, I have questioned my sobriety more often than I can count, I want to drink again if only to drown out the voices in my head (yes, I have many voices in my head LOL!).
Yet in the same token, my faith tells me there is more to life, that I have purpose and there is reason why this is happening now and that I need to just hold on, dig in and believe that God did not put a spirit of fear in me and frankly that is hard but you know what, I believe it is worth it. I would like to meet ONE person who in the midst of everything that has happened has not felt disillusion at some point. We all have and that is why it is so important now more than ever to have compassion, compassion for ourselves and compassion for others because we are all struggling. I know more and more people who are losing hope and have considered ending it all, me included.
I am writing this to tell someone who needs to hear it, You are not alone. Let me repeat that, YOU.ARE.NOT.ALONE. It may not make sense right now but eventually it will. Hang on, just hang on. I have a simple life hack lately, when it’s so dark and cloudy in my head and in my spirit and I can’t make sense of it all, I ask myself to go one more hour. One more hour without alcohol, one more hour of breathing, one more hour of holding on. I know sometimes it feels like even 1 more day is too much so just keep going an hour at a time. Go for a walk, focus on work (if that’s an option), play music, clean the house, call a friend and see how they are doing and maybe talk to them about how you are doing, exercise, do something that will get you out of your headspace for a little while. For me prayer, exercise, long walks and work help me refocus my energies. It does not mean I have my answers right at that moment, but it does help my brain to reduce its ruminating.
If you need to hear this, read this last part as many times as you need. Hang on, you are valuable and needed in this world. You, as you are, are enough. You are never ever alone, no matter how much it feels like it. Cry if you need to but then wipe the tears, get back up and keep going. You’ve Got This.
If you would like to, you are welcome to reach out to me on my contacts page
I tell you this because this is what I am doing, day by day, step by step and hour by hour, I am hanging on.
The Musings of a Wandering Mind 