Of Loved one with addictions

So, after I wrote ‘How did it get so bad?’, I was having a chat with a friend of mine who, like many of us, has a loved one with an addiction and she wanted to know how best she can help her loved one because the entire family is at the end of their rope with him. As we spoke, she mentioned wishing she could take notes because what I was saying resonated with her and so instead of note taking, I promised to blog my wisdom based on my own experience with addiction. So here goes 🙂

A loved one with an addiction is a heavy burden to carry and the first thing I would say is, it is not your fault that they are addicts. Nothing you could do or can do caused their addiction. Addiction is an illness in itself and blaming yourself will not do much for the addict except make the burden on you even heavier. An addiction, whether it is to drugs, alcohol, sex, you name it, is a deep desire to fill an emptiness within. A gap, a hunger, a need, an emptiness, that yearning deep inside, is what the ‘drug’ of choice temporarily fulfills. But the fulfilment is temporary and thus the cycle repeats over and over again. That need, only the addict knows what it is, and to be honest, often many do not. Probably because it’s been there so long it’s been covered by layer after layer of rationalizations, justifications or basic denials. You cannot force your loved one to identify what that need is, only they can do that and it can only be done by them when they are ready.

The identification of what that ‘hunger’ is an exercise that needs deep internal reflection, which is often very hard and requires facing difficult realities about oneself and taking of responsibilities for some difficult choices and often, the making of more difficult choices.

So, as a loved one, what can you do? First, examine your motives for wanting to engage in this process. Loving the person is good but the process you are about to take will test your love, patience and maybe your finances as well. Are you prepared for whatever challenges will crop up in the process? There maybe some uncomfortable family truths that may arise or even some difficult feelings that may arise. Are you ready to deal with those? As they say in the airplane when you fly, in case of an emergency, you need to fix your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others. This is not meant to scare you but to help you realize that this is a process that will probably take a long time to get through. You will need to examine within yourself and ask yourself all these questions and equip yourself with what you need going in.

Secondly, with love, talk to your loved one and point out that they may have a problem. This may be a few conversations or many, many conversations because most addicts do not realize and do not accept that they may be addicts. It will be frustrating but it is worth the effort. Be gentle and thoughtful in your approach, accusatory or pushy conversations are counterproductive for both sides because your loved one will dig their heels deeper in and you will get continually frustrated. If you find you are unable to have a calm conversation, find an ally who your loved one listens to and have them try. It is essential that your loved one does not feel ambushed or attacked as they will get defensive and nothing you say will matter.

It is important to realize that this is a long-term project. It will take time between your initial conversation until they even acknowledge having a problem. For me, I’d drink with lots of folks and most of them just thought I handled my liquor well, some thought I drank too much but didn’t actually say anything to me. Two of my friends are the ones who really called me out and it took almost two years before I was even willing to seek help and begin that essential process of self-examination. It took another year for me to even consider quitting alcohol. Luckily, they didn’t quit on me and kept pushing me with love and are still on my side thus far. I consider myself very blessed to have them in my life.

Thirdly, once your loved one gets to the level of self-examination (if they get there), be there for them best you can or help them get help they need for this part. This could be a therapist or a counselor or a professional of their choice, like say a church elder. Should they choose to open up to you, listen to them with no judgement, comebacks or analysis of what they share with you. Remember, this is about them finding the root of that need or hunger that the drug fulfils. It could be a past trauma, these can take many forms, it could be deep seated fear and insecurity issues, it could be an undiagnosed mental illness. Whatever it is, they need help to face it and uproot it from deep within. As they do this, there is a high chance that they will still be using the ‘drug’ of their choice. I can tell you that this is the hardest part, trying to find the roots and uprooting the issues from deep within.

Through all this, if you are a person of faith, please pray for your loved one, it is amazing the power prayer can have on a situation that may look hopeless. And while the ideal situation would be for your loved one to quit altogether, please acknowledge the small steps they make toward recovery, be prepared for the possibility that they may quit then relapse, then quit again and relapse again. I cannot emphasize enough the need to be kind to yourself and to your loved one during this process but do not confuse being kind with enabling them. Do not for instance, offer them a drink when they are struggling because it will give them temporary comfort or let them engage in self sabotaging behavior because you feel bad for them

Remember, you can only do your best for your loved one but the choice for a better, ‘drug’ free future is one only they can make, you cannot make it for them and you have to accept that despite your best intentions, they may never be ready to make that choice.

I hope this will be of some help to someone who has a loved one afflicted with an addiction. If you have a question or comment or similar experience, share it in the comment box below or email me on my contact page

With Love,

WK