I was so sure I would fail that for the first few months I told no one except my closest friends of my decision and while they were fully supportive, they told me later they weren’t sure I’d be able to manage it for over a whole year, maybe a couple of months. That is how much alcohol had a hold of my life. So for the few social events I had, I said I was on meds and couldn’t drink.
My first challenge was Christmas time. I lost my mom during that time of the year and it’s usually a rough time for me. So I booked myself a solo trip to Morocco for a 10 day yoga retreat. See before I quit, I had recommitted to my physical health and had started working out regularly with support from one Dr. J (amazing human being and one of my closest friends), who held me accountable and accepted none of my half-assed excuses.
So Yoga was part of my regiment and I thought a retreat where reflection, meditation and exercise were the focal point was exactly what I needed. So off I went, and spent the next 10 days learning and practicing different kinds of yoga (I hang upside down for wall yoga and sweated it out in hot yoga! LOL!) all while making new friends. For the first Christmas in my adult life I didn’t drink at all and still had fun. That was eye opening for me.
I came back to Dakar and new year’s celebration was my next hurdle. Went to a wonderful party with friends and drank non-alcoholic champagne all night long! I’ll be honest, that was hard…. I wanted the real champagne but I hung in there. Couple of folks I knew at the party asked if I was okay because they had never been anywhere socially with me where I didn’t drink. One of them even asked me if I was pregnant! SMH!
January started and I begun to feel more confident in my ability to pull this whole year thing off. But hold on, my birthday was in February, how the hell am I going to celebrate that? And a milestone birthday too? And i am not a birth DAY kinda girl. I’m a birth week and birth month kinda girl, party all month long lol! So what would I do? I chose for the first time in my adult life, to do nothing for my birthday. No party, no dinner, nothing. And it came and went……weird feeling but just like that, days kept rolling.
March came, COVID happened, which meant less going out but it came with the challenge of being alone, under quarantine, no office to go to and the emotions that came with that. The loneliness, the anxiety of not knowing what would happen with work, would there still be jobs to be had as this disease ravaged, the fear of getting it while grocery shopping or something. All those I was feeling while trying my best to stay sane and work online within my four walls. And this was the first time I felt a serious temptation to drink, so as to not feel any of those emotions and while I knew I had folks who had my back, they themselves were dealing with a lot and I did not feel right adding to their stress.
So I battled it alone, struggling to get by each day as it came. The one person who I truly thought had my back through and through, fell through the cracks and I had to deal with the emotions that came with that. Some days I was on the floor in a ball, rocking back and forth in tears and praying for strength not to give in to the temptation. And somehow, I managed. I kept reminding myself it was only a year and it was worth it for my own sake to see it through. So many times I went and stood in the alcohol aisle in the supermarket and stopped myself and walked away. It was so hard to do that, but I did.
August came and a friend betrayed me in a terrible way and once again, I was almost back at zero. In tears, needing a crutch so badly, that I almost lost all my willpower. This time I did buy the alcohol, vodka, and put it on my table and stared at it for hours.
The Musings of a Wandering Mind 